“Let no one split apart what God has joined together.” Mark 10:9
At the young age of 19 and the world at my feet I took a vow to love one man for the rest of my life. Through richer and poorer, sickness and health, and all that falls into sharing your life with someone. Coming from a long line of failed marriages I was so hopeful to be the exception. Unfortunately this was not the journey I embarked on in late May of 1999.
My marriage started out as many due. Happy, in love, spending every waking moment with each other. But that quickly turned into not being the case. A short time after getting married my husband turned 21 and that began the long lonely journey of what was suppose to be a marriage but ended up being far from that. While I certainly had many faults in my relationship with my husband I found justification because of his love affair with alcohol and never wanting to be home with me and the kids. We had ups and downs the first 5 years and I stuck through the downs because that was my promise and what I truly believed in.
After years of his alcoholism and abusive nature (emotional and verbal) I finally found the strength to stick up for my 3 beautiful daughters and myself. I set up boundaries and we staredt to fix something that was so broken. At least that was what I thought we were doing. Turns out that while I was working on our marriage he was pretending to do the same but ended up living a completely different life with someone else. I had questions early on in his affair but he was so good at lying and I was so wanting to believe him that I blindly went on ignoring every feeling I had that our vows were no long important to him. I lived in this lie for 2 months of what I thought was a new beginning to our marriage. I was finally seeing the husband I had been waiting out for and things were going great from my view even though I still had that gut feeling that I was being lied to.
One day out of the blue I got the phone call that stopped my world dead in its tracks. Turns out that what I thought to be true but never had the black and white evidence to back it up was true. My husband was having another relationship. There are no words if you have never been in that situation to truly describe what you go through. Its almost like a death. Everything is stripped away! Everything you thought you were is gone in just a few words. For years I had been a wife but at that moment that title was ripped right out of my heart and soul. What kind of wife had I been that my husband turned to someone else?? I must of been far worse of a person then I had ever imagined. How can someone sit there and say you are their life and their love but then go tell someone else the same. At that moment my identity of being a wife died.
Trying so hard to hold some resemblance of my life together was entirely more then I could do. Not only had my “wife” identity been stolen but my “mother” identity had also been stolen away. My world stopped. I couldn’t breath, eat, think. move. It was like I was dead but still trapped inside of someones body. Watching every one pass by and continue with life but I couldn’t join them. My kids lost their mother that day. I again lost a part of me. What kind of mother would let someones stupid choice take her away from her children. It took weeks to start to move and during that time my kids were on their own. I was there physically but not mentally or emotionally. To this day I look back on that time lost and still hold anger against myself for letting someone take me that low. I still don’t think I am the mother I use to be.
Once the darkness started to fade I came to the choice of never letting someone in that close to me again. The helpless romantic I was was gone. Marriage is just a piece of paper. Peoples words mean nothing. When it comes down to it we are all selfish humans and if something better or more exciting comes along then the words we said the day before are null and void. Its taken me 7 years and some ruined relationships to finally see that this isn’t always true. There are people in my life that have always been there. Even if I didn’t see them at the time. I am learning how to trust….I know its still going to be a long process but thanks to God and some amazing friends its getting easier by the day. Why it has taken me so long to start this healing I don’t know. I know over the last few years I started to but then something would happen to remind me of the selfishness in people and why should I let my guard down to just be destroyed again. But I know now that I was in something that I had no right to be in. And God was no where in that relationship and I am realizing how important that is. I know now that someday I will have the identity of a wife again and it will be the way I imagine it to be. And while I will never be the same person I was at 19 I know now more of what I want and I am in no rush so settling is not a option. I believe I have a perfect half out there, whether I have already met him or I still need to, I know its the one God has made for me and in a way it makes me sad that so much time has gone by that we haven’t been together but it just wasn’t time. I’m sure once we find each other we will be able to be so much better for each other because of everything we have endured and survived. Starting to find that hopeless romantic part of me that was lost years ago and just thinking about it has put me on cloud nine. I’m excited to see what God is going to bring my way but I am also patient. Listening to my heart beat with ever person I come across. To know which ones I can trust with my heart and which ones I shouldn’t. So at peace and so happy that I am finding the person I was. I am ready to start living again!